Category Archives: family

Numb

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It’s not supposed to be this way.  

I stand in the long glass hallway of Big City Trauma Center, back to the windows as a throng of humanity streams past.  

We knew her life might be shortened when we adopted.  Shortened however isn’t supposed to mean short. It’s not supposed to be this way.  

I hide behind my sunglasses and choke down my emotions as I send an email to order a tiny urn. I should call, but I can’t talk about it now.  It’s not supposed to be this way.  

My city is full of world class hospitals.  If your family member is small and furry, that’s OK too.  We have a kitty ICU, kitty cardiologists, and even kitty thoracic surgery if you want to go that far.   It’s still not supposed to be this way.  

We have a diagnosis, and the doctors are talking in terms of weeks.   It’s. Not. Supposed. To. Be. This. Way.  

We will make her as comfortable as we can and cherish our remaining time together.  I cannot imagine waking up without her little furry body nestled against my hip, or falling asleep without her sweet crossed eyes staring over my book.  We were supposed to have much longer. She deserves much longer. It’s not supposed to be this way.

I gather myself together, rein in my emotions, and head back to work, safe behind my dark lenses for now.  As long as that damn harpist doesn’t show up I’ll be fine.

Grinch

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It hasn’t been a great week. We ran all the usual EMS annoyances, from truck swaps through ignorant hospital staff to late calls. I’m still adjusting to my new schedule, and my family is having a harder time than I. They’ve all managed to contract the flu.

Yesterday we were reminded that sometimes Evil truly walks the earth, this time in the form of one young man in a small town a mere 180 miles from here. A small town very like this one. . .

Add in early orthodonture and the intricate ballet that is Christmas with three different sets of grandparents, and you can see that I wasn’t spreading much holiday cheer this morning.

And what happened, then? Well, in Whoville they say – that the Grinch’s small heart grew three sizes that day.

Thank you, Random Jeep Lady. It was a simple gesture, and I surely can afford my own drive-thru order. Your random act reminded me that there are still Good and Nice in the world and came at a time when I really needed it.

Pay it forward, folks. You never know.

Porch

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It’s a good evening. It was almost warm today. The porch has been restored to its 3-season glory. Gone are the stacked bags & boxes for recycling and the random collection of stuff on its way to somewhere else. A light rain patters in the downspouts, and I have my feet up in my favorite rocker.


The family is doing some sort of terrarium project in the kitchen. It sounds like it involves panning for gold, as I listen to rocks clattering in pans and bowls. The dog has decided to kill a bone directly under my chair. How can a small dog make such a big noise? My neighbor has started his shop vac/leaf blower/pool filter or whatever it is, which he will run every evening from now until October, and the Rod & Gun club has decided the weather is perfect for some spring shooting on the marsh. I’m sure I’ll hear the commuter rail rumbling across the marsh soon as well.





I don’t care. The porch is back, which means spring is here and summer not far behind. I think this calls for a beer.



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Editor’s note: I wrote this back on 5/5, but somehow it seems to have gotten stuck in the Draft queue.

 

Olympus 35RC follow up

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A nice fat package arrived from the photo lab today. I’ve spent much of the evening importing, tagging, and correcting dates. My notes aren’t really what they should be.

As promised, here are a few highlights from the first roll through the Olympus 35RC. I’m very pleased with them.

 

“End of Trail” but not really. Cross at your own risk, though.

 

Bridge

 

Shutterbug

Spring!

 

Paradise.

It’s not as versatile as my big SLR’s simply because it does not have interchangeable lenses, but its small size weighs heavily in its favor. This one will be high on my regularly-carried list.

Birds

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Birds.

I usually don’t notice them. Spring has suddenly returned, though, and I hear them everywhere. Shore birds populate the trees and dunes behind me, the occasional gull swoops past, and a pair of cormorants bob peacefully in the channel.

Small waves lap gently at the shore while the river gurgles past the jetties. I have lived all my life virtually within sight of the ocean, yet I fail to appreciate it. I’m a mountain person; my solace is found in trails and trees.

Yet here this morning with the sun on my face and the breeze at my back, with the smell of salt in the air, facing the limitless expanse of the mighty Atlantic, I can steal a few moments of peace.

Salisbury Beach

Salisbury Beach by Mack505 on Flickr

 

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I’ve written before of my first experience with critical incident stress. Tonight I had occasion to attend another debriefing. I felt pretty good going in. I knew we’d had an awful call, but I was still feeling OK. I feel I have a good support system. I rode the emotional roller coaster, learned a few things, had other things affirmed, and gained some insight into how the other side works.

The debriefing was a good experience, but I could still do without the triggering event.

It’s a beautiful night. Today was sunny and 82 degrees. As I was leaving the hospital, one of our units pulled up beside me in traffic. The sound of the Diesel, the warm night air, George hanging his bare arm out the driver’s window. Suddenly I wanted to be up there, in that seat. These are my people. We take care of each other as much as the city.

Summer nights have a magic in the city, and we are nocturnal. I’m in the middle of 4 days off, and suddenly all I wanted was to be back in that truck.

The light went green and they drove away before I could shout a hello. I’m sure the city will survive a few more days without me. I’m off to enjoy the night air and try my hand at photographing stars.

 

Project 366 – week of 2/11

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2/11 – One for me, one for her.  If you’ve been reading the blog for very long you know which is which.

 

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2/12 – Going ‘commando’ at work.  Sweater, that is.  My sweater has been with me since my first winter in EMS those many years ago.  I finally had paramedic and company patches installed on it this past week.

2/13 – coming later.  It’s still in the FM2 right now.

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2/14 – More on this later.

 

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2/15 – It’s a miracle!!  (seen randomly on the sidewalk)

Fire and ice, and a dog. (Project 366)

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January 21 – Home alone for the evening, lounging in front of the pellet stove.

January 22 – Cold day at work.  This grew throughout the day.  I kept waiting for the rig to hit it on the way out the door.

 

January 23 – My family says the dog is a good luck charm and she has to wear the shirt through the Superbowl.  Cricket is not impressed.

January 24 – The Howe is finally safe at home.  The trip was much longer and more expensive than planned.  Details to follow.

 

 That’s her older sister, Engine 2, in the background.

 I sure wish I had those ladders.

The fog of life

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Slightly less than a year ago, I departed for my first shift of 2011 through thick fog. It broke dramatically that morning, signifying hope and promise.  
 
If I try to be objective it was a decent year. 362 days later I’m still working a good job with a good employer, my family and I are healthy, and our finances are in better shape than they were a year ago. Second grade is going fabulously!  

 
Emotionally it’s been rough though. Mrs. Mack505 suffered the loss of two family members. My Public Safety family has been rocked with multiple losses, both on duty and off.  
 
I was not there personally, but I was on duty and listened live as a firefighter lost his life. I’ve held my breath with each subsequent radio transmission and felt the ice in my gut as it became apparent what was happening. I’ve looked into the eyes of the crew who worked to save him, and of the good friend he relieved at shift change that morning. I can happily go the rest of my life without ever repeating that experience, thank you. 
 
The fog returned this morning, bookending the year in gray. Goodbye, 2011. It’s a new day tomorrow, and I’m on duty at the best job in the world. 
 
Stay tuned.